Late Show UK

Tonight’s guests were actor Mark Wahlberg, UFO/alien enthusiast Jeff Peckman and singer Alanis Morissette. A new segment tonight to mark the very hot weather they’ve been getting in New York lately - it’s called “Cool / Not Cool”. It cuts to a video of Barack Obama bumping knuckles with his wife on the campaign trail, followed by George W. Bush doing some weird chest bump with somebody. We’ll let you decide which one is cool - but we’ll give you a hint… it’s not the George W. Bush one. Dave was talking about the new tainted tomato US scare earlier in the show, so what should Late Show staffer (actually, more specifically, she’s the costume designer) Sue Hum bring out with her on a plate? Well, tomatoes of course! She asks Dave if he would like a refreshing bit of cold tomato in this hot weather. Dave declines and Sue walks off telling him “this isn’t over”.

Up next, Dave tells us about new revelations that baseball star Roger Clemens kept Viagra in the locker room and we learn Jose Canseco managed to hit a home run without even having a bat. Biff Henderson makes a surprise appearance next to Dave next. He tells him he’s just there to make sure Dave’s okay as they always say “you should check in on the elderly” when there’s hot weather like this. Great Moments in Presidential Speeches was up next - tonight we see George W. Bush isn’t too sure what to do if another major disaster were to happen. As it’s summer, Dave then water blasts people out on the street outside the theatre with the giant water hose mounted up on the street post. They’ve upgraded it to make it more powerful - Dave comments on it. It was then time for the Top Ten list - tonight it was “Top ten signs your weathercaster is nuts”. A new take on the popular “How many people dressed as Spiderman can you fit into a Jamba Juice was up next” - this time we see how many people dressed as aliens they can get into a Jamba Juice. In addition to people dressed as aliens (which don’t look much like aliens as Dave points out - he thinks some of them look like witches) there’s Fat Spiderman, the Hulk, Indiana Jones and Moses, amongst others.

The first guest tonight was Mark Wahlberg - who’s in the new film The Happening, which opened on Friday the 13th. The first thing Dave asks him about is the strap he has on his wrist - it turns out he’s injured, and some of it was caused by playing on Nintendo Wii with one of his kids - Mark says he’s never seen his kid so happy when they caused pain on him. Mark Wahlberg says he’s also in training for a new boxing film. Mark then tells Dave he has a golf driving range in his back garden. Dave doesn’t believe him, but it’s actually true. However, there was a bit of a mishap when Mark says his dog was a little bit enthusiastic when trying to retrieve a golf ball - his dog leapt out straight in front of the ball just after he hit it. His dog had to go and get treatment, but he’s fine now. Alan Kalter’s Movie Review was the next segment after the Mark Wahlberg interview. Tonight Alan’s reviewing The Incredible Hulk - or at least he’s supposed to be. Alan describes parts that start to “throb and pulsate” and things that are “causing his pants to tear open”. Even though it sounds about right, Alan’s been watching the wrong film, if you know what we mean.

The second guest tonight was Jeff Peckman, who’s become famous for releasing a video that he says completely confirms there’s such things as aliens. He says the footage used was taken by someone else who’s had many encounters with aliens. Dave holds up a couple of pictures of an alien peering in the guy’s window. I don’t know if it’s real, but it looks pretty convincing. Some of the audience were laughing in the background, so I’m not sure if everyone was convinced. Jeff says the government has been covering up alien activity for a while. Jeff offers Dave a place on the alien greeting panel along with scientists, etc - in case we ever meet and greet them. Dave said he thinks he might be busy but wants Jeff to call him just in case. Alanis Morissette closed the show with a soothing song from her new album.

For upcoming guests please go to www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings

Check out the Show Roundups page for more.

The guests on tonight’s show were Renee Zellweger, Gayle King and Paddy Casey. There’s a new event taking place outside on 53rd Street this evening - tonight Pat Farmer and his team will be dropping 500 baseballs off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theatre building to mark the start of the baseball season. Of course, this event wouldn’t be complete unless they were being dropped onto something - so they’re dropping them onto a parked car. Dave asks Pat to drop one ball off the roof as a test to see what happens. He says if it’s that good with one ball, what will it be like with the full 500? To make things more interesting, they’re now going to be dropping the 500 plus the one test ball - making 501. Gayle King is Oprah’s friend, so Dave mentions his new friend called Joe who’s waiting for him up in the Late Show office. We cut to Joe sitting there completely silent (Dave doesn’t know if he can hear him or not).

Dave’s got a new phone for his desk to replace the old cream coloured one. If you thought the other phone looked old, you obviously haven’t seen this new one. It’s a rotary phone - Dave tries to make calls to times gone by. Dave also has Bill Richardson on the phone, but he’s in the middle of a snack so they can’t speak to him at the moment. Up next - a new advert from Hillary (you know, those “The phone rings at 3am - who do you want answering the phone in the Whitehouse” adverts). It turns out Hillary’s going to always be ready to pick up that phone as she’s going to stay up 24 hours a day on Red Bull, coffee and something from Amy Winehouse (note - not “coffee, cheap speed and doughnuts” that Dave often mentioned).

Great Moments In Presidential Speeches was up next - George Bush (or “still President Bush” as Jon Stewart calls him) couldn’t get the phone number right on a television broadcast. Then tonight’s Top Ten list, which was excuses for getting caught having sex with a picnic table - my favourite in this had to be “was curious if I could have sex with anything more flat and lifeless than my wife” followed by a “Hiyoooo” from Dave. It was then time for the 501 baseballs to get thrown off the roof of the building onto the car down below. Dave thinks they overdid the action replays from multiple angles - I don’t think he thought it was that exciting.

The first guest tonight was Renee Zellweger, who was on to promote her new film with George Clooney - Leatherheads. She did a lot of filming in very cold conditions recently resulting in her getting “lash-cicles” - icicles on her eyelashes - and “snot-cicles” - followed by a trip to Miami where Dave pointed out the snot would be flowing freely. She says she has a very small apartment in New York and that she only goes back a few times a year - mostly just to do her laundry where she is branded a washing machine hog. Also before she went she revealed how she used to drive to Dave’s house years ago to see if he was there, and Dave thought back to when he used to get that a lot.

Gayle King was up next - she’s Oprah’s friend. She talked about growing up in Turkey - she used to think all kids grew up in Turkey back then as it seemed normal to her. There was an awkward moment in the interview - Dave admired her necklace and she thought he was staring at something else! Gayle used to be a newsanchor and remembers a long time ago when she was signing off a programme she said “We’ll all be black next weekend” when she meant “We’ll all be back next weekend”. So she corrected it and said she would still be black but not everyone else. Her boss thought she handled that well. Irish musician Paddy Casey closed the show with a wonderful song - a mellow, chilled out tune.

^ 3rd April 2008 monologue

For upcoming guests please go to www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings

Check out the Show Roundups page for more.

Monday’s guests were actor and musician Jamie Foxx, Jimmy Smits (from CBS TV show “Cane”) and music artist Will.I.Am. “What a great week - Lunatic Dictator Week in New York City”. Tonight’s show starts off with a little anecdote involving Dave at home with his son. Harry asked how old Dave was and he answered “60″ - and Harry thought he was teasing. There was something in the Q And A tonight before the show - someone in the audience had a heart-shaped potato. Dave mentions this and says that’s all he needs to make him feel happy. Intriguing. Floyd Landis (the fat guy on a bike) rides around the theater - following the drugs scandal meaning he had to give back the Tour De France title. Tonight is the night of another exhibition backstage - they have a guy who’s going to try and break the record for how many elastic bands he can fit around his head. Odd - but genius. Up next was a clip of an awkward looking Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (something about liking George W. Bush’s body), and then a look at the new CBS fall season (including the “bitterly disappointing” - the Late Show). Dave keeps reminding us that sugar is the new oil (the slogan for the new CBS show “Cane”). After Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, it’s time for the Top Ten list. But there’s a problem with the machine playing the animated titles and it gets stuck. Dave goes down to the basement and George Clarke says something about being in love with Dave - or something similar - I can’t remember exactly now. The first guest tonight was Jamie Foxx who was on to talk about his new film, then Jimmy Smits came out to chat about his new show “Cane” (seems like a likeable guy). The elastic band guy backstage managed to fit 60 of them around his head - very good. Music from ex-Black Eyed Peas member Will.I.Am closed the show - I really liked this performance.

Tuesday’s guests were actress Kate Walsh, filmmaker Kevin Smith and music came from Rascal Flatts. “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — according to this guy, there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre”. “It was so nice that the United Nations canceled the global warming conference and went to the beach”. A pretty clever opening for tonight’s show - they had a really intense promo made (basically a “Previously on the Late Show” bit - like they do for the likes of 24 and CSI) - showing an array of past moments in Late Show history. This was really nicely done. Dave starts off by showing us an advert for CBS in today’s newspaper - advertising their new fall programmes. It mentions all the big-hitters like “Cane” - and at the bottom of the ad (in small print) it mentions the Late Show. Tonight’s show involved a lot of bits for “Cane” - involving the fat guy (I think they used him for the detective segments a while back) - saying “Sugar is the new oil” with Alan reminding us to watch it on CBS. This was a clever take on what other shows do - promoting other ones within them. Up next, George Bush gets interrupted by traffic noise because of these UN meetings holding up traffic in the city. Old Turkey Buzzard makes another appearance when Dave throws the card through the window - Dave and Paul agree they need to get the guy on the show for a performance of the song. Great idea. A day in the life of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was up next - here we learn he visited Broadway show Jersey Boys - surprising. Great Moments In Presidential Speeches was next, then Small Town News (featuring an advert for Cat Of The Week - which was actually a picture of a dog - and a picture of the mis-spelling of the word “School” painted on the road). Then we have the Top Ten list. Kate Walsh is the first guest this evening (she looked lovely). Kate talked about her TV show, her newlywed life, her wedding (she fainted from dehydration), amongst other things. Bill Scheft (Late Show writer) came out next to talk to the audience - he says he’s tired of writing jokes and wants to thank O.J. Simpson for giving him a lot more easy material for the next few months. Heh. Kevin Smith was the next guest out - he talked about his new show and his past achievements (and his new book with bits and pieces from his online blogs). Music from Rascal Flatts closed the show.

Wednesday’s guests were actress Jennifer Garner, filmmaker Ken Burns and music from Chaka Khan. “The weather bureau has announced that autumn has been postponed until January”. First up Dave mentions CBS’ promotion for their new fall season - including an advert showing this (”bitterly disappointing” Late Show), then Dave revisits the segment from earlier this week showing George Bush giving a speech with traffic noise adding over the top of it (simulating the terrible traffic caused due to the UN meetings). We then see an advert for Dancing With The Stars (something about OJ Simpson stealing something on the show), followed by Great Moments In Presidential Speeches (George Bush sat there deadly still). Then we hear laughter from the audience when Dave is reading out who’s on the big show tonight - they cut to Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan sitting there laughing. They come up on stage to promote their new show Bionic Guy (is it on FX or Spike TV? They don’t seem to know) - followed by a clip of the mock-up show (nothing to do with The Bionic Woman apparentely). Then it was the Top Ten list (here we learn that you have a fat baby if it’s head is the size of Barry Bonds’ head). The first guest tonight was Jennifer Garner - she spoke about her new film (The Kingdom), her child’s obsession with her stunt double, and her marriage to Ben Affleck. When Dave asks her who’s the better actor she doesn’t say. Then we have the guy from 7-Eleven come out again - Dave has been busy thinking up new promotions all paid for out of his own pocket apparentely - lots of free cocoa and food. I like this Jim Keyes guy - very funny. But is it the real CEO of 7-Eleven? We have our doubts (as does Dave and Paul). The next guest tonight was Ken Burns - talking about his new war documentary and his other documentary work. A great music performance from Chaka Khan closed the show.

Thursday’s guests were “The View” co-host Whoopi Goldberg and music from Melissa Etheridge. Dave tells us about the latest goings-on on The View - something about Rosie putting a cigarette out on Whoopi’s back. Heh. The first video clip tonight featured a football game with snot coming out of someone’s nose - nice. Then we learn there’s turmoil on “Cane” when they discover someone’s been taking Splenda in their coffee. Then they cut to the Hello Deli with Rupert dressed up as Betty (from Ugly Betty) - he loves the show. A maid then comes in to the theater to see if he needs the cleaning service - Dave says no, but he would like a mint. Paul has a new radio show called This Day In Rock And Roll History and we hear a clip from the show - but it’s an outtake. Then a segment called George W. Bush Vs Mahmoud Ahmadinejad featuring some hilarious sound effects (Dave likes these a lot). My favourite from that segment was “George W. Bush - speaks in broken, hard-to-understand English… Mahmoud - speaks in broken, hard-to-understand English”. Genius. Tonight’s the night for the next installment of Stupid Human Tricks - love this segment - featuring a guy who can kick himself in the head 30 times in 30 seconds (why 30 times in 30 seconds?), a guy who can eat a marshmallow from a mousetrap (I can’t remember this one too well) and a guy who drinks beer through his nose (he can still smoke a cigarette at the same time) - that one looked painful. Whoopi Goldberg was the first guest tonight. She talked about her new role on “The View” and her recent weightloss. Oh, and her radio show. A stunning performance from Melissa Etheridge ended tonight’s proceedings.

Friday’s guests were Paris Hilton and Emile Hirsch. Be warned - tonight’s interview with Paris Hilton was the funniest interview I have ever seen! “Here in New York City, you can tell it’s autumn — you can see the colors change from brown to gold to yellow to rust — and that’s just the tap water”. Another stunt out on 53rd Street tonight - continuing on with the “jumping over things” theme from recent weeks. There’s a guy out there tonight who will jump over taxi cabs on an ATV. Only six though (only?!) - not 8 - as it’s Dave’s fault for not giving him enough room apparantely. There’s a new $5 note out - the Late Show takes a look at it. The new security features involve Lincoln biting off your finger - sounds painful, but I guess if it helps…? A Message From Hillary Clinton was next - featuring a string of words mixed together - “I’m looking forward to having my husband do women in the White House again” - heh. Great Moments In Presidential Speeches was up next, followed by the latest batch of Friday Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun Facts, then the Top Ten list (with the world’s most expensive dessert). The first guest tonight was Paris Hilton. This interview was hilarious and cringe-worthy. Paris came on to promote her new fragrance, but all Dave wanted to talk about was her stint in the old grey bar hotel. Dave asked her about the food in prison (it wasn’t all that great, says Paris). The best part of the interview was when the guy in the audience shouted out “I love you Paris” and Dave (quick wit) retorts “Someone you met in prison?” - absolutely hilarious. Paris looked really unconfortable. This was Dave at the top of his game - this is why he is the greatest talk show host in the world. Marvellous. After this interview we have to compose ourselves from our fits of laughter to watch the guy out on 53rd Street jumping over the taxi cabs on his ATV. He makes the jump over the 6 cabs. Emile Hirsch was the second and final guest tonight. He talked about his new film and his recent adventures (including finding Paris Hilton’s necklace in a nightclub recently). That’s all for this week.

For upcoming guests please go to www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings

For previous Late Show Roundups check out www.lateshowuk.com/late-show-weekly-roundups

Monday’s guests were actress Jodie Foster and musicians Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova. “Anybody see the MTV Awards? Did anyone see Britney Spears? They said she appeared sluggish, glassy-eyed . . . sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab”. Dave was on Oprah’s CBS show earlier today - “Earlier today I was on the “Oprah Winfrey Show.” It was her annual “Least Favorite Thing” show”. We start off tonight’s show - and the week - with a look at the newly-released iPods. Dave has one of them with him - the new ones are edible (and tasty) apparently. Dave eats his iPod and all is well. Then we move onto a look at the new chilling Osama Bin Laden video that emerged recently - the presentation was sponsored by Just For Martyrs beard colourings. Dave mentions his appearance on Oprah earlier and shows us the trailer they’ve been playing all day on CBS to promote this special appearance - “she attempts an Impossible Makeover” - accompanied by a picture of Dave. Up next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches with George Bush making an idiot of himself as usual. Now time for some advice for those returning to school this week - Dave asks various members of the Late Show staff for some useful advice for the home viewers. Here we find out Dave (the cameraman) has been “learning” French with his sexy tutor, Letterman’s advice is not to worry too much about grades (then he shows us some examples - Britney, the President and Dave himself - oops), Rupert in the Hello Deli recommends everyone starts the day with a good hearty breakfast or a breakfast shake (Rupert drank it and it looked disgusting) - and the other highlights included George Clarke reliving every person’s worst nightmare which (of course) is going to school without getting dressed, Sue Hum saying she had no idea what being a good student is because she is working on this show, and Biff saying how “creepy” Dave looks. Up next was the Top Ten list - which tonight was Top Ten Britney Spears Excuses - for her truly appalling appearance on MTV the other night. The first guest out tonight is Jodie Foster. She talked about the travelling she’s been doing this year and her new film. Dave also shows an embarrassing clip of her on some TV show as a kid. After the interview, we cut to Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview and - yes you’ve guessed it - he has Jodie Foster booked as well. Alan wasn’t best pleased - “You pull this **** again sister and you’re out of the business” - the best bit of the piece was Alan saying Dave’s lips must be “chapped from kissing her ass” - heh. Dave then says some more about his Oprah appearance - he couldn’t think of anything to say when on her show - so he tells us an anecdote now that he wishes he’d have remembered on Oprah earlier (something about Harry telling Dave to park in a car park space that wasn’t a space and a cop then coming up to him to say he couldn’t park there, with Dave saying “Well somebody told me I could”). Up next was Mark Twain Tonight (which was a repeat from last week - I think a guest must have pulled out or something - because they used this as a filler). Still pretty funny the second time around though. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova close the show with a great performance of their new song.

Tuesday’s guests were “that bonehead” Dr Phil, comedian Andy Kindler and music from Suzanne Vega. The opening to tonight’s show was hilarious (before the titles) - it started with Dr Phil talking about Dave and saying “people with psychotic behavioural tendencies can’t be controlled” - then it cuts out to Dave sitting next to him. “It was so wet today, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock were fighting over an umbrella”. First up tonight, we look at the new co-host on The View - we cut to the ladies bickering about something - “The View - please make it stop”. Next we find out what Donald Rumsfeld has been up to since resigning last year - he married his long term partner Goldie Hawn - well I never! We also find out he’s been making his own line of handbags - Paul says he used to run his own handbag range but stopped, and they were “Red Carpet Ready”. Then we cut to a short piece about Britney’s MTV performance the other night - saying only Dave can get away with being drunk. Next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, then onto a segment called Psychic Sandwich. Not sure if this segment has been done before - I know they have had Deborah Lynn on before for something psychic, but not sure if it was for Psychic Sandwich. Alan (or “Howie Mandel” - which made me laugh) tells us what the sandwich is and what we’re playing for. Unfortunately Deborah guesses incorrectly but nobody’s a loser on Psychic Sandwich - she gets the Hello Deli deli platter of course. The first guest tonight is “quack” Dr Phil, who talks about his show (it’s starting a new season), Dave’s past drinking days, what he got up to over the summer (including a hole-in-one in golf - which meant he had to buy everyone a drink) and what’s wrong with Young Hollywood (why does Britney never wear underwear?). The second guest tonight is comedian Andy Kindler who discusses the Emmy Awards, how he needs the repeat fee money from some awards show (no one else is asking for it, he says), a funeral he went to recently with an over-enthusiastic minister (”you can do better than that”), what he’s seen at the cinema recently (Delta Force is unwatchable, he says) and his new TV show. He also tells us an amusing story about being asked to perform at a friend’s house for free to make connections - he says its the only business you’d be asked to do that - you wouldn’t get that with a plumber - “you’ll be working for free, but you’ll get good contacts”. So true. Music from Suzanne Vega brings tonight’s show to a close.

Wednesday’s guests were actor Viggo Mortensen, tattoo artist Kat Von D and music from Daughtry. “Happy Rosh Hashana. It’s the Jewish New Year — and the year is 5768. It’s funny — I’m still writing 5767 on my cheques”. We start the show with Dave giving a mention to a newlywed couple in the Late Show audience tonight - it’s becoming a regular occurrence - someone gets married then comes to see Dave straight after. Then - in honour of Kat Von D on the show tonight - Dave shows us his new tattoo of Larry King - it looks lovely. And Dave says her show is appointment TV and says the Late Show is disappointment TV. Heh. Paul says he would get a tattoo of the word Kevin Federline - but it would be of high risk of infection - hmm! Then we have a short piece about Mitt Romney being burgled (they stole his hair gel), then it was Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, and the Top Ten list - featuring the Top 12 (yes that’s right - it’s the first ever Top 12 list!) NASCAR racing drivers. The first guest tonight is actor Viggo Mortensen who discusses his new film (Dave says he wants a part in a film - he loves westerns), his previous job where he used to run one of those food cart stands on the sidewalk (at a less-than-adequate location it seems), his tattoo, an old TV show he used to do which used to mention the place name quite a bit (”San Marcos) and Dave shows us a clip of it which was pretty funny. The next guest out is tattoo artist Kat Von D. She talks about the immense amount of tattoos she has over her body (leading Dave to prod around) - most of her tattoos are amazing - really detailed - real works of art. She also discusses her new show - all about tattoos of course. A music performance from Daughtry end the show.

Thursday’s guests were Martha Stewart, Fred Willard and music from M.I.A. “How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken”. To begin with Dave reminds us Martha’s past (Dave always says she killed a guy and used to live in a hollow tree). Next we see the first fight on The View with the new co-hosts - it looks like someone should call the cops. Russia has announced they have a new powerful bomb - the slogan “Russia - Don’t mess with us” appears - they compare the power of the bomb to that of Britney’s MTV performance a few nights ago - heh. Then we have a short piece about senator Larry Craig (remember, he got caught in a bathroom incident?) - I won’t repeat what the segment contains but I think you can all guess (”thrusting in and driving insurgents out”). Apparently TV is going downhill and the Late Show has a clip of the recent findings - they say some people think TV goes downhill at around 11:30 (which is when the Late Show airs in the US) - they cut to a clip of Dave. “I heard that - I’m sitting right here”. Up next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches where we learn George Bush is a “meat man”. Dave then brings out a new football he has - complete with fitted camera (most of the audience didn’t understand the joke - neither did I actually). Then it was the Top Ten list read out by Billy Bob Thornton. The first guest tonight is Martha Stewart - who’s on to do a cooking segment. Needless to say, Martha ruined all of Dave’s prop jokes where she says some items have red dots on them, which she was told not to use as those are Dave’s props - these included the oil bottle and garlic - oops! The illusion has been ruined. Mark Twain Tonight was up after Martha’s segment which was amusing. Up next was comedian Fred Willard, who talked about an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, an appearance at Yankee Stadium, his joke about a blind prostitute (”you really have to hand it to her”) and his new TV show. Music from M.I.A. closed the big show tonight - I really enjoyed that performance - very catchy.

Friday’s guests were Regis Philbin (from the “Regis Lee and Kelly Lee programme”) and music from hip-hop artist Chamillionaire. “According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can”. “Later in Central Park, I saw a nut gathering squirrels”. Dave tells us about a new incident in Taco Bell where they found a snake in the food apparently. Dave says their burrito was rattling. It turns out though, the snake was thrown through the drive-thru window - bizarre! Cue card “boy” Tony Mendez does some strange things to show his annoyance at Dave when he reads something off the cards wrong - Dave re-enacts Tony’s reaction. Then a piece about Fred Thompson running for President - “Look at the size of this guy’s head” - heh. Now, they have revived one of those Mac vs. PC commercials with Gerard Mulligan and Chris Elliott (remember those segments?). Then Dave announces the new Verizon deal allowing people to watch the Late Show (complete episodes) on their mobile phone - “making television smaller and harder to see”. Dave reacts particularly to the “impossible to see the hideous detail in Dave’s creepy old zombie face” statement. Needless to say he’s not impressed. Next up is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches (George Bush doesn’t know his left and right again - he exits the wrong way off the stage). And it’s Friday which means Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun facts! Then the Top Ten list, featuring the number one sign you’re not going to win an Emmy - which was “Your name is Regis”. Dare say Regis will have something to say about that when he comes out for the interview. Speaking of which, Regis is the first guest out tonight. Regis talks about the Top Ten mention and his 20 years on the “Regis Lee and Kelly Lee programme”. This reminds me of a joke Dave did when Regis came out of his surgery - something about him not including the years he spent with Kathy Lee (and having her “removed”). Regis also mentions Dave’s appearance on Oprah the other day and how much Dave was sucking up to her - heh. Oh, and how Dave told Oprah that Regis was older than he actually is. Regis is also still worried there’s something wrong with his heart as he gets chest tightness when exercising - Dave says he’ll be fine and that it’s probably just down to the fact he’s had his chest ripped apart - reassuring thoughts for sure! The interview closes with an old TV show clip with a young Regis on the Joey Bishop Show - in a food fight. Chamillionaire gave a stonking performance - I didn’t think I’d enjoy this - but I did. That’s all for this week.

17th to 21st September is reruns - Next show back is on the 24th September.

For previous Late Show Roundups check out www.lateshowuk.com/late-show-weekly-roundups and to see the guests on upcoming shows please go to www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings.

Monday’s show was a rerun of the “Drew Carey, Nikki Blonsky, Grinderman” show.

Tuesday’s guests were former US President Bill Clinton and musician Patti Scalfa. “President Bush was in Iraq for eight hours - nice to see he has an exit strategy”. We start off the show tonight with someone from the pre-show Q And A coming down for a photo with Dave (it was the guy’s birthday) - he comes down, they take the picture, then Dave sends him away telling the stage hands to close off the balcony - heh! Next up, we learn JetBlue are still having some problems with their flights (George Bush had a stopover somewhere I think) and we also learn of the secret bathroom code that Larry Craig knew, and the airport’s now made their bathrooms more “romantic” following this incident. Great Moments In Presidential Speeches was up next (George wonders how we can secure the US against terror threats - needless to say, he has nothing to say). Dave then runs through a list of things he’s done in preparation for Bill Clinton’s visit tonight (but he didn’t manage to cut back on the pre-show cocktails). The best item off that list was the frisking of the Late Show rats - got a pretty big laugh (some security guys with those detectors). The first guest out tonight (and the only guest - barring the music later on) was ex-US President Bill Clinton. This guy always comes across as a very likeable and down-to-earth guy - I can see why he was President. Bill talks about Hillary’s Presidential campaign and what he’s doing to help, whether there’s a chance he could become Vice President (Bill said he probably wouldn’t be interested even if it was a possibility in the constitution), Hillary’s advice to him appearing on the Late Show (”Don’t make news”) and his new book about how everyone can do their bit to change the world. Patti Scalfa closed the show with some good music.

Wednesday’s guests were Danny Devito, Larry David and Avril Lavigne. New York cabs are on strike - they’re refusing to wear deodrant… First up on the show tonight, Dave tells us about some pre-show “horseplay” that went wrong (a bit of an insight into what goes on backstage before the show). Dave says he was dancing with his assistant, and Sue Hum came through the door only to be knocked sliding across the floor when Dave accidentely whacked her - oops! Sue comes out, Dave apologises, and we move on with the show (”Please don’t come out again”). When Dave’s reading out who’s on the big show tonight, a voiceover comes on with some commentary saying Dave’s “merely killing time until he could return home”. Up next was a short segment about John McCain (”thanks for the question you little jerk”), then another short segment - this time about the New York City cab strike. Late Show staffer George Clark is up next - has he been on the trains today (as he looks all sweaty) - nope, he’s been in the men’s bathroom - zing! Great Moments In Presidential Speeches was up next with George making himself look stupid. A new segment tonight - “Mark Twain Tonight” - featuring Johnny Dark with a beard and wig on - featuring jokes and other bits (”I told my son about the birds and the bees, then he told me about the mailman and my wife”). After the Top Ten List (the “Mahmoud Stern” one made me laugh), Danny Devito comes out for a chat. Danny talks about his bad luck on holidays - he nearly drowned whilst out surfing - and ended up naked (he didn’t need a towel though…). He also talked about urinating in the sea (where else are you meant to go at the beach?), his new restaurant over on International Drive in Miami and the new series of his TV show called It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (which will be shown over in the UK on Virgin 1 in October). Dave says he hopes the meal him and Paul get at Danny’s restaurant will be free of charge - Danny’s not so sure. Larry David was up next (unusual to see him on a chat show - the first time he’s been on the Late Show apparentely). Larry talked about being bald (Paul’s a “fake bald” person, he says, as you can’t see his true state of baldness), his career as being a standup comedian (he said he sometimes walked out before starting - just after he saw the crowd) and his career as a personal chaffeur (can’t imagine it myself). The lady he used to chaffeur around used to have bad eyesight, so Larry told her the car was clean and he was wearing a suit and that would be fine - even though he wasn’t. Avril Lavigne finished the show with a beautiful performance.

Thursday’s guests were the lovely Jessica Alba, George Saunders and music from the Manchester Orchestra. Tonight we begin with the audiotape that was leaked of Larry Craig leaving an answerphone message for his lawyer (he called the wrong number). Next up, we learn of the new multi-fare ruling that’s been put in place due to the taxi strike in NYC - we see a taxi cab go past with passengers on the hood of the car, and on the roof - hmm, doesn’t look too safe. Then Biff comes out and asks Dave if he needs any coffee, anything to eat, etc. Dave says he’s fine and accuses Biff of only standing there so he can get a glimpse of the lovely Jessica Alba when she comes out - Biff feels insulted and leaves (”Maybe you should kiss my ass… I’m getting too old for his s***”). Next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches with George Bush saying they always seem to have round-table discussions at square tables - oh dear. Next up, Dave has a cute story about his son who went to school today - his son told everyone in his class “daddy got up and ran to the potty”. Then we have a segment called “A Day In The Life Of The 2008 Presidential Campaign” - I love the theme music they use here - they’ve used it quite a bit in the past - really catchy - where we find out George W. Bush hasn’t decided “whether or not to run for a third term” and how George would kill for the 3% figures Dennis Kucinich has. The first guest out tonight was the beautiful Jessica Alba, who has a new film. Jessica talked about her time travelling (including when she went on-stage at a 50 Cent concert in Amsterdam) and Dave gets out the copy of Cosmopolitan magazine she’s on the cover of. Dave starts reading out the Q And A in the magazine (he’s done this for another guest in the past but I can’t think who it was now) - Jessica says her favourite shows are The Daily Show and The Colbert Report - Dave feels neglected. Jessica says sex on a first date is fine, but sometimes finding a parking space is better. Jessica’s new film involved her doing her own stunts - she chipped her tooth in one scene. Dave then tells us an anecdote of when he phoned up an adult chat line a long time ago - he allergic to fragrant oils, he told the woman on the end of the phone. Alan’s then up next - telling us that everything over at kalterworld.com (all the “adult novelties”) are lead tested - good to know… He makes us all feel sick again. Comedian George Saunders is the next guest tonight. He talks about his new book, how he got into a Chicago Bears game as a child (he sat on his dad’s shoulders as they didn’t have enough tickets and the clerks never look up, as they are too busy collecting the tickets) and his past jobs (including being a “knuckle puller” - made his hands go like claws apparentely). To close the show, some music from the Manchester Orchestra.

Friday’s guests were TV food show host Rachael Ray, newspaper columnist Frank Rich and music from British band, Arctic Monkeys. “Here’s how you can tell it’s almost autumn in New York City - the shadow of the guy following you is longer”. Another amazing feat out on 53rd Street tonight - there’s a guy who says he can hold the same note on a saxophone for something like 45-50 minutes. Sounds incredible - something to do with “circular breathing” (Paul Shaffer thinks that’s a song). He’s going for the record attempt and the British guy from the Guiness Book Of World Records is there to oversee things (they had him on there overseeing another challenge before I think - it may have been for the “Most shirts worn” record attempt). Next is a segment for new hit film “3:10 To Yuma” where we learn Larry Craig is a fan of Christian Bale and Russell Crowe - he gives the film an outstanding review (”Russell Crowe and Christian Bale are so ruggedly handsome you’ll want to commit a lewd act in a movie theater bathroom stall”). Great Moments In Presidential Speeches was next. As it’s Friday, it’s time for Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun Facts! Rachael Ray was the first guest out this evening. Rachael talked about her TV show, how much filming she has been doing (the pace seems a little hectic to say the least), travelling around the world tasting food (she thinks she’s bad luck as natural disasters seem to happen wherever she goes - hurricanes, earthquakes…), getting thrown out of scouts when she was younger (she’s now an honorary member), restaurants (Dave says they’re all infested with rats and other creatures), working in restaurants as a child (her earliest memory is burning herself whilst at work in one of her parent’s restaurants) and having a waxwork model of herself somewhere in New York (Dave says if you squint, everyone looks like Cher) - Rachael says they’ve given her a better “rack” than in real life. Some talk on sweet breads (what are they?) closes the interview. The next guest out is Frank Rich. Frank used to be a reviewer of Broadway shows, and he now writes his own newspaper column. He talks about his column, the Bush Administration (”a gift that keeps on giving”) and his time as a reviewer (the worst show he ever saw involved someone in the audience being sick - and that was before they saw the show). Then we cut back to the guy out on 53rd Street attempting the saxophone record - unfortunately he didn’t beat the existing record (something about moisture build-up). “There are no losers” though - the Late Show girls come out to greet him. British band, Arctic Monkeys, closed the show with a cracking performance. That’s all for this week.

To see who’s on forthcoming shows, please go to www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings. Previous Late Show Roundups can be found here.

Monday’s guests were Susan Sarandon, Sports Illustrated writer Rick Reilly and music from Feist. Tonight we’re in for another “likeness of Biff” treat. We’ve had Biff in ketchup, the questionable Biff in ice, Biff in post-it notes, someone getting a tattoo of Biff on their leg - and the list goes on. Tonight we have someone doing a likeness of Biff in sand - the guy’s doing the sand sculpture outside. Dave checks back in with him throughout the show to find out how he’s doing. Up next - it was the Miss Teen USA contest, and we see some poor dear trying to answer something. Then we have George W. Bush in Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, followed by a special segment marking the end of summer (is it the end of summer already?) - What We’ll Miss About Summer (featuring various Late Show staffers) - in which we learn Dave the cameraman has hired himself a couple of women, Pat Farmer’s been whacking people with a bat - oh, and Alan made us all sick again (”wrap your fingers around this Roman candle”). After the Top Ten list, the first guest out tonight is Susan Sarandon (Dave can’t believe she hasn’t been back to the Late Show in such a long time), who discusses her flight over on the same plane as Rick Reilly who’s on the big show tonight, her child (and Dave’s son, Harry - Dave says he’s already fully grown), and her new film Mr Woodcock which looks quite good. Up next - we check back in with the sand sculpture guy - the Biff sculpture looks very nice. The next guest out is Rick Reilly from Sports Illustrated. He talks about the hate mail he gets from cheerleaders (which coincidentally is the subject of his new book), and Michael Vick - amongst other things. Feist closed the big show with their fantastic song, 1 2 3 4.

Tuesday’s guests were Kevin Bacon, little-league champion Dalton Carriker and music from T.I. with Wyclef Jean. Tonight we learn of a new Osama Bin Laden version of the ever-popular High School Musical - we cut to a clip of Osama and his buddy “singing” - heh. Then we move onto Larry Craig (US senator) who got arrested in public toilets for reasons we won’t go into here - followed by a short video piece. Some guy comes in to do some vacuuming next - he thinks the show’s over as it was so quiet - oh dear. Great Moments In Presidential Speeches is next - tonight we have Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagon before cutting to George making himself look like an idiot. A nice segment with Ruper tonight with friend of the Late Show, Deborah Lynn - the psychic (or is it an intuitive?). It’s Psychic Soup! Loved the theme tune for this. Deborah didn’t guess the soup correctly (she was blindfolded) - but Dave gave her the prize anyway. Little-league champ Dalton Carriker was the first guest out tonight (he added “Yes, sir” after everything - which was cute). Quite nice to have a guest on who’s not plugging a book or something. The next guest was Kevin Bacon. He talked about the trekking he used to do - they used to pack everything except water and had to squeeze water out of their swimming trunks to survive - oops. Music from T.I. with Wyclef Jean closed the show - quite good.

Wednesday’s guests were talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres, Curb Your Enthusiasm actor Jeff Garlin and music from Against Me! “Leona’s dog is going to use that $12 million to organize fights between NFL players”. Michael Vick’s found Jesus, but Jesus says he doesn’t want to be pulled into this awful mess re: the dog fighting. Alan’s wearing a jacket made out of cardboard tonight - hmm, looks trendy. Alan does a little dance in honour of Ellen (who dances on her show) and he dances himself out the back of the Theatre. Osama’s not been hiding in caves apparantely - latest intelligence indicates he’s staying at one of his friend’s houses - making for a brand new CBS sitcom apparantely - “The Militant Islamist Terror Mastermind of Queens” (a take on “The King Of Queens” I think). Dave’s off to Yankee Stadium for batting practice tonight so he’s rushing through - Paul says he doesn’t blame him. A message from Larry Craig (the senator who got arrested in a public toilet recently) - featuring some mashing up clips. After tonight’s Top Ten list (”Signs your neighbour is hiding Osama”), Is This Anything is back. Wait a minute - that’s not a real contestant - that’s right, it’s the “F*** you” guy! When Dave and Paul say they think his act is nothing (one of the plates wasn’t even spinning!) he gets angry and tells everyone to, well, er - you know. Dave got the “f*** you” treatment twice for some reason. Ellen DeGeneres was the first guest tonight - she’s about to start a new season of her popular talk show, but she finds it hard to think of new questions to ask guests all the time and gets bored asking the same ones all the time. She says a lot of people alwayhs come up to her and ask her to dance - even when she’s in the doctor’s surgery. One of my favourite Dave quips tonight has to be during Ellen’s story of her at her friend’s wedding when someone came up to her and said “I loved watching you bawling” - Dave comes back with “been a while since you did any of that”. Zing. Dave also reinacts something from one of his parties when a woman came up to him - drunk - and says she hates his show. The interview ends with a question about pears… Tonight we have another one of Abraham Lincoln’s film reviews - this time it’s The Bourne Ultimatum, which got four stove-pipe hats. The next guest out is Jeff Garlin from Curb Your Enthusiasm, who has a new film out. He talks about Viagra commercials and an embarrasing truth about his son. Music from Against Me! closed the show - I liked this song.

Thursday’s guests were Hillary Clinton (who - of course - is running for President) and music from Kenny Chesney and Willie Nelson. It’s the 14th anniversary of the Late Show tonight - congrats. “Here’s how lovely it was in New York City today - Senator Craig came out of the men’s room squinting”. “It’s our 14th anniversary here at CBS. 14 years? I’m just another dumb guy without an exit strategy”. Audience Show And Tell is back tonight! Featuring a guy who can play harmonica using his nose (one of Dave’s favourite songs apparantely), and a guy who can put a tennis racket on one leg, and push it around his body so it comes off the other leg - pretty impressive. A special Top Ten list tonight to commemerate the 14th anniversary of the Late Show - “Things I Have Learnt Working At The Late Show” - featuring various Late Show staffers (some Dave recognises and others he doesn’t). Biff says “for a man who just turned 60 Dave is surprisingly senile” - Dave thanks him. Hillary Clinton had an extended guest slot on tonight’s show. She, of course, talked about running for President, what she has planned for Iraq (she wants to start withdrawing troops now), her campaign and where she’s been, what it’s like to have Bill out on the campaign trail (Dave asks is he needs reminding he’s not running for President himself), Dave’s jokes about her pant suits (she has some of them written on cards), her summer jobs when she was younger (gutting fish), whether the US is ready for a female President and she does her very own Top Ten list (”Campaign Promises”) - “One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears”. Hillary came across really well - seems very likeable. Music from country legends Kenny Chesney and Willie Nelson end the show with a good slow country song - I enjoyed it.

Friday’s guests were Amy Sedaris and Will Arnett. Tonight we have another trick out on 53rd Street continuing the summer extravaganza of jumping over cars/cabs. Tonight they have a guy jumping over a cab on stilts. I noticed they only closed one lane of the road again - an accident waiting to happen? Luckily, nothing went wrong. The guy’s friend has actually tried this with a moving car - he says the video’s on YouTube somewhere. A segment featuring Mother Teresa now - apparantely she endorses Arby’s. Then we have a short video for walrus penises(…). Then Dave says Nicole Ritchie was jailed for just over an hour - is that enough punishment? “The Late Show - Scaring audiences straight since 1993″. Great Moments In Presidential Speeches is next - George likes saying “Huh”. It’s Friday, which means Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun facts! Some are thought-provoking and others are funny. After the Top Ten list, the guy out on 53rd Street jumps over the cab on stilts - really impressive - he only just made the landing without falling over. Amy Sedaris is out next - she’s always hilarious and weird (in a good way). The first thing she did when she came out was taking a slurp of “coffee” from the Late Show mug - everything she does makes me laugh for some reason. Amy says she doesn’t like the summer as the holidays don’t involve presents, unlike the winter ones. Dave says he has a swimming pool - and Amy says Paul and Dave were up for some award for best kiss. Ah, and she checked the Late Show couches for change - as she’s been counting up her quarters lately. Will It Float was next - tonight’s item is tartar sauce - it floats (it actually sinks to begin with then comes back up to the top). Will Arnett was the next - and final - guest tonight. I enjoyed the rendition of the “Will It Float” theme tune when he entered - with the words changed to “Will Arnett” - very good. Will talked about people in Sweden, the commercial voiceovers he does and his new film - The Brothers Solomon. That’s it for this week.

Guest listings for upcoming shows are available at www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings and the archive of Late Show Roundups is available here.

After a couple of weeks of reruns, Dave’s now back with new shows. Monday’s guests were Jeff Goldblum, Hayden Panettiere (Claire the cheerleader from Heroes) and music from the New Pornographers. We also have some car hurdling (yes, car hurdling!) out on the street. After the monologue, we start off the show tonight with a story about Harry (Dave’s son) and a party going on across the street from his house. Harry says he doesn’t want to be kept awake with them saying “Hello, pleased to meet you” every five minutes. Dave also has some trouble pronouncing Hayden Panettiere’s surname tonight – leading to some pretty funny interpretations (is it “Planetarium”?). Now we go out to meet the guy who will be hurdling over three cars, then we meet Barry Bonds – or is it Lance Armstrong? He rides around the theatre for a while and we move on. This confused cameraman Dave at the end of the segment – he thought an old guy in the audience was Dave and he kept the camera focused on him – Dave quickly interrupts and asks what he’s doing. Old Turkey Buzzard makes another appearance, then we had George W Bush making himself look stupid (erm…) in Great Moments In Presidential Speeches. Merv Griffin sadly passed away, and Dave gives him a notable mention. After the Top Ten List, they go back outside to see the car hurdling – pretty impressive stuff (he stumbled on the first car, but regained himself on the others). Jeff Goldblum is the first guest out of the green room tonight to promote his new film/mockumentary. Jeff also talked about how he used to be such a “litterbug” when him and his family used to go on roadtrips – he said they just used to throw rubbish out of the car onto the highway and drive off. Dave said he always goes around picking up rubbish off the highway – oops! Hayden Panettiere was up next. Hayden’s just turnt 18 – so she says she’s off to buy some porn and cigarettes. Then we cut to a cringeworthy commercial of Hayden when she was younger in a head lice commercial. The classic line in the show tonight has to be “Everybody will eventually get off the island” – I think Dave’s getting confused with another hit show “on another network”. The New Pornographers closed the show with some enjoyable music.

Tuesday’s guests were actor Samuel L. Jackson, news reporter Christiane Amanpour and some thought provoking music from Tom Russell. First we have the monologue, then Dave goes out into the audience and hands over a “dinner for two” to a someone they were talking to in the Q And A session before the show. A quick piece about the China plane that caught fire (all because someone took too much shampoo apparently). The next segment pays tribute to hotel owner Leona Helmsley who passed away – but all Michael Vick seems to be concerned with is whether or not her dog is for sale (allegedly). After Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, we go out to catch up with Rupert Jee – which is always nice. Tonight’s they’re playing What’s On The iPod. After the Top Ten List, we go back out to Rupert who now has a contestant for What’s On The iPod (he’s chosen a lovely lady of course) – they’re playing for a kettle (Dave’s overjoyed…!). Cue Rupert with his cringeworthy singing – the contestant didn’t get the song, but she got a deli platter anyway. Samuel L. Jackson comes out for a chat – he’s got a new film out. Samuel discussed his childhood swimming in the river (which wasn’t too clean according to Mr Jackson) – oh, and Dave says he used to love fireworks as a kid (sounds like a recipe for disaster). Samuel also says he loves rodeos – but Dave’s not convinced the wagon races are “real” rodeos. Alan Kalter’s got a celebrity interview to do now – with none other than Samuel L. Jackson… didn’t we just meet him? Alan’s not best pleased to say the least – and storms off stage. Christiane Amanpour was next out – Her and Dave discuss the dangers of news reporting in war zones, and talk about her programmes on CNN. Tom Russell ended the show with some thought provoking music – asking “who’s gonna build your wall?”

Wednesday’s guests were Richard Gere, comedian Tom Dreesen and music from Velvet Revolver. “Michael Vick pled guilty to dog fighting charges, and he may do jail time. And the say this guy went through more dogs than Bill Clinton”. Dave talks about his dogs that sadly are no longer with us – Dave says one of them ate itself to death by eating a log out of his fireplace, because of some sort of deficiency. The Late Show annual photo is being done today and Dave tells us of his shock when he looked at an old photo taken a couple of years ago – Kim Jong-Il used to be an intern on the show – well I never. There’s a Late Show Online Poll tonight – we find out the results – but what’s the question? I guess we’ll never find out. Great Moments In Presidential Speeches and a quick segment about Michael Vick – then a tribute to Regis’ TV anniversary. A special segment up next – How They Spent Their Summer (is summer over already? Never seemed to start her in England). Dave’s obsession with Jessica Biel comes through in this segment again – “Just wanted to look at Jessica Biel”. After the Top Ten List, Richard Gere comes out with his cup of tea (it’s in a paper cup – they could have changed it to a china mug before the show but Dave asks whether it would have made a difference?). Richard talks about his new film, his love of baseball and the Dalai Lama. Tom Dreesen is the second guest this evening – and talks about baseball, hunting (the trick he played on his friend when a farmer asked him to shoot his poorly horse) and a rather touching story about Frank Sinatra. Tom also mentions his motivational speeches coming up. Some good music from Velvet Revolver rounded off tonight’s show nicely.

Thursday’s guests were Tina Fey (from hit TV series 30 Rock), tennis star Venus Williams and musician Steve Earle. After the monologue, we start the show with a preview of the US Open – unfortunately all they have so far is the fancy-looking graphics and nothing else – ah well, the graphics were nice. Dave mentions a recent news story about some really old diamonds that were discovered recently – Biff comes out with the punchline about Kobe Bryant buying them for his wife – heh. Is this a new comedy duo - Dave and Biff? A letter from Mother Teresa next where she asks CBS not to cancel WKRP (I’m not exactly sure what that is…). Sue Hum’s in trouble again – she’s rifling through Dave’s belongings in his car – busted! Presidential Speeches next – George W Bush likes BBQs. One of those Gerard segments now – Ask Karl Rove. Gerard comes out and tells everyone he’s Karl Rove – some pretty funny stuff in this segment, and the usual “I thought that question was for you” (when looking at Dave) for one of them. After the Top Ten, 30 Rock star Tina Fey comes out and discusses the Emmy nominations for the show, and her daughter. It’s now time for the prize giveaway – a lovely iPhone is up for grabs. Unfortunately someone who comes down to claim the prize doesn’t seem to be the right person and runs off with the prize. Much to the disappointment of the real winner, who comes down to the stage and doesn’t get anything – ah well. They’re out of time so they move on and the guy goes back to his seat. Venus Williams talks about winning Wimbledon and her new clothing range. Steve Earle ends the show with another thought provoking song (following on from Tom Russell’s song on Tuesday) about immigration.

Friday’s guests were comedian Tom Arnold, Kristin Gore (daughter of Al Gore) and standup comedian Jim McDonald. A good opening line for us Brits tonight - ” And now - British soccer royalty - David Letterman”. “Regis Philbin 76 years old tomorrow. Actually, he’ll be 91. He doesn’t like to count the 15 years he spent with Kathie Lee”. Dave’s found a new toy – it’s called Dora The Lead Inspector – hmm, interesting. Regis’ birthday is coming up – so we find out what actually is older than him – Regis is older than the moon and dinosaurs – zing! Sue Hum makes another appearance – but not in Dave’s car this time – oh no, she’s in the audience looking for a seat. She tells someone to beat it and takes their seat. Dave tells her to get out. Presidential Speeches was up next, followed by (as it’s Friday) Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun Facts, then the Top Ten List. The first guest tonight is Tom Arnold – who went out to meet and greet Paul, the band and the audience before going to sit down with Dave – Dave said he has places to go. Tom’s always a funny guy. Will It Float’s next (based on the BBC’s “Is It Buoyant” don’t you know?) – they say the item will float, but it doesn’t. Kristin Gore is the next guest. She’s Al Gore’s daughter and has a new book out. She talks about her thoughts on her father and his worldwide-renowned global warming film, An Inconvenient Truth. She also talks about how she used to be guarded by the Secret Service. Jim McDonald rounds of the show – and the week – with some top standup comedy.

All the guest listings for upcoming shows can be found at www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings.

Monday’s guests were Andy Samberg (from Saturday Night Live), actress Catherine Bell and musical artists The Bravery. Dave’s feeling a bit under the weather today - he has a cold (in July…) - his thermometer isn’t working very well though. Up next was the sad news of former Late Late Show host, Tom Snyder, passing away - and Dave shares some of his memories of him. It’s time for another activity out on 53rd Street tonight - bowling! Dave points out they have only shut one lane of the road - and traffic is coming up the other lane - a bit dangerous (it saved them a bit of cash though)? Down the part of the road they did close, is a bowling lane. We’ll be back with the bowling guys later in the show. Next up we learn Dick Cheney’s had more heart surgery, and - this time - he’s been fitted with an iHeart. A quick piece to do with the Shark Week on the Discovery Channel next featuring a guy getting eaten by a shark. Alan has a bit of a confidence boost now - he does a Lindsay Lohan joke to camera and the audience laugh (”I’m just as funny as you are”). After a quick Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, we go out to 53rd Street to get on with the bowling competition - the idea being they are all doing “trick shots”. They were quite impressive - some guy damaged the lane though (there’s a big whole in it) - and  we still have the “let’s show the rehearsal tape” option. Andy Samberg was the first guest out this evening - he’s from Saturday Night Live, and recently found YouTube success with Justin Timberlake’s parody song - called “Dick In A Box” (he’s nominated for an Emmy for it). Andy also talked about how he flies so much he runs out of films to watch on the plane, so ends up watching some romance film by the end of it. He’s also in a new film. After some more bowling, Catherine Bell is up next. She looked lovely. She talked about her upcoming show and how she used to get touched up when she went to Japan - by guys on the street. The Bravery closed the show tonight, with some top music.

Tuesday’s guests were actor Seth Rogan, US Senator Joe Biden and New York-formed musicians Gogol Bordello (one of the most energetic performances I’ve ever seen on the Late Show). So hot in New York today, “the astronauts were drinking frozen margaritas”. After the monologue, we go to Yellowstone Park - waiting for the geyser to go off (I think they said it happens every 90 minutes - whereby a huge plume of steam shoots out the ground). After Dave gets the guy to spin the camera round for us, we get a good look at a park ranger - nice. The place where the geyser is due to go off is called Old Faithful. Next up, we learn Dick Cheney is “more machine than man”, Dave’s our “TV pal” and how we want everyone on The View to “shut the hell up”. After Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, and the Top Ten List we check back in with Old Faithful over in Yellowstone Park - it’s not erupted yet. The first guest tonight is Seth Rogan from the film Superbad. Seth talked about getting ill just after he moved out to live on his own, growing up as a kid (”don’t hug a cop”) and - of course - his film, Superbad. Alan Kalter did an hilarious skit tonight - one of those ones where he’s “making us all sick” - involving what he’d like to do to Lindsay Lohan’s mum. We then quickly cut to Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park - it’s erupting! US Senator Joe Biden is next up. Joe discussed how he was arrested years and years ago for walking into the US Senate, and how he then met the same security guard several years later when he actually became a Senator. Joe’s running for President in 2008. He also talked about the horrific car crash involving his wife and daughter. After the break, Gogol Bordello put in a stomping performance - some really strange music - but strangely good… That’s all for Tuesday’s show.

Wednesday’s guests were Matt Damon (promoting his new Bourne Supremacy film), Jeff Altman and music from Angelique Kidjo. So hot today in New York, “Dick Cheney shot a buddy with a super-soaker”. After the opening monologue, Dave tells us they’ve made some new advances in satellite imagery - meaning we can now see the Earth in higher detail. The Earth is actually wearing a hat - well, I never. The show was then rudely interrupted with a special weather report (the announcer isn’t wearing any pants apparently - we then return to the programme “already in progress”). Whoopi Goldberg is the new co-host on The View - but we ask the question, for how long? After some of George Bush’s usual stumblings in Great Moments, we have a return of one of my favourite segments - “Who Asked For it?” - has Biff signed a deal with Budweiser and what happened to the bit where they had Regis running through the Theatre building? The answers to those, and more, are featured in “Who Asked For It” tonight. The funniest bit of the segment tonight - Dave says his favourite actor is Tom Hanks, and they cut to Matt Damon sitting in the audience. The first guest tonight - fresh from his stint sitting in the audience - is Matt Damon. Those “Bourne” films are superb. Matt was on the verge of being dropped before they came out apparently as his films “bombed”. His pal, George Clooney, tells him to “wear big shoes” when getting his footprints done outside the famous Grauman’s Chinese Theater (you have to wear big shoes because the cement shrinks apparently - he doesn’t want to be seen to have size 5 feet in years to come). Matt did his excellent Matthew McConaughey impression - I never get tired of this - very funny (”I may have to take off my shirt”). Tonight’s Top Ten List is “Top Ten signs your monkey is a genius”. Jeff Altman is next out of the green room tonight to talk about his standup, how he met Dick Cheney in the bathroom (Mr Cheney needed some toilet paper, so Jeff turned the lights out on him and walked out) and how women are better than men (do men go round and try their friends’ clothes on?). And what does he look for in a lady?… “Breath”. Angelique Kidjo closed the show - interesting music.

Thursday’s guests were martial arts star Jackie Chan (to promote Rush Hour 3), Chelsea Handler (from “E!”) and music from musical artist Michael Buble. Tonight’s show was great - remember the stunt they did with pumping Starbucks over to the Theatre through a series of tubes back in the winter? Well, they’re doing the same with Jamba Juice - excellent. Dave thinks there’s a little too much “Jamba” in the juice when it arrives. Amazing this thing actually works - it travels all the way from across the street, through tubes and arrives in the Theatre for Dave to pour into a glass. iTunes has reached a new download milestone - and Regis’s Christmas record has been downloaded 3 times now. Some more news from The View, and Ingmar Bergman who sadly passed away. After Great Moment In Presidential Speeches, and the Jamba Juice stunt, Jackie Chan is the first guest out, discussing his recent plane trips with his broken finger. Jackie seems very eccentric - he wasn’t even sure if he liked his new film - Rush Hour 3. The exec guy comes out after the interview and asks Dave questions about his job (”In that 14 years have you received a promotion?”). We then learn Alan Kalter is a “man of a thousand faces” - tonight’s face is “angry”. Chelsea Handler is the second guest this evening - talking about her new late night show on “E!” (it’s on the same time as the Late Show). Michael Buble closes the show with a great little jazz number.

Friday’s guests were Glenn Close, film producer Judd Apatow and music from Chris & Rich Robinson (from Black Crowes). So hot today in New York, “Lindsay Lohan checked into rehab just for the air conditioning” and “Larry King was wearing only suspenders” (what are the suspenders holding up?). Dave’s still worried about “Young Hollywood” tonight (remember the camp he was setting up for them?) and wonders what else he can do to help - especially Lindsay Lohan (she’s in rehab, out of rehab, in rehab, out of rehab…). Dave says they’ve put a new spin on her new film that’s not doing too well to cash-in on her rehab going-ons - you get a discount at the rehab centre she goes to (called Promises), and all rooms come with a free mini-bar - hmm! I liked the phrase they used on that video - “Promises - Made To Be Broken”. “This Week In Steroids” was up next - Regis has been on the juice (allegedly). Regis just wants “to get big and chase chicks”. Great Moments was up next (George Bush wondering whether he really did say that), then it’s Friday’s Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun Facts! The first guest tonight was Glenn Close, who’s got a new TV show. Glenn had a pretty funny story about how she gave her triathlon entry away to a guy (Dave wondered if that was illegal or not) - the guy finished nearly first and this led to some questions when everyone thought the real Glenn Close had won the whole thing. As it’s Friday, it’s time for Will It Float. Dave nearly walked out when he was told they were playing for a “baby gorilla”. They change the item for a car (but what sort of car?… a new car!). The taffy floats. Alan wishes everyone “Happy Halloween”… in August? Heh. Film producer Judd Apatow was up next - he produced Superbad, The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up - amongst others. He always wanted to be an intern on Dave’s show. Judd used to live with Adam Sandler, you know. Chris & Rich Robinson closed the show with some rock music - they were really good.

Two weeks of reruns follow (Dave’s summer hiatus).

All the guest listings for upcoming shows can be found at www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings and podcasts are coming soon at www.lateshowuk.com/podcasts. If you get a couple of minutes and want some video clips of Dave, we now have a YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/lateshowuk with some links to our favourite clips from the show.

Monday’s guests were Drew Carey, Nikki Blonsky (from Hairspray) and music came from Grinderman. Something for us Brits to start off with - Alan announces Dave used to play for Manchester United - well, I never. Now, tonight there’s something pretty special happening outside - a guy with a tennis ball launcher (yes, a thing that launches tennis balls…) is out there hoping to break some stuff by pelting tennis balls at things. Needless to say, nothing went as planned with this segment - which led to some interesting moments. The main problem was with the rain - which Dave says might have attributed to everything going wrong. Basically, everything the guy hit with the tennis balls, didn’t break - the cab window didn’t shatter, the TV didn’t break - nothing. Luckily, Dave had some footage from rehearsals (when it wasn’t raining - and everything was nice and dry) showing what should have happened. Dave wonders why they didn’t just run the rehearsal tapes to begin with. The device launches tennis balls at around 300mph - so, when it works, it really does some damage. Dave has some issues with cameraman (also named Dave - who’s been featured on the show many times) - he’s reading the new Harry Potter book and forgets about working the camera. Next up, we’re reminded George Bush’s poll figures are “26% and falling” After the tennis ball guy does his stuff, we move onto a generic guy standing behind Dave on-stage asking him how he thinks the show is going (he’s been on the show before). Dave has no idea who the guy is. Drew Carey is the first studio guest out tonight - he announces on the Late Show he’s the new host of The Price Is Right (he’s just secured the deal) and how people think he’s Michael Moore when he’s out. They also talk about how good soccer (football for us Brits) is and how the World Cup is better than the Superbowl. Drew also discusses his other new gameshow - The Power Of 10. The guy on the street tries his tennis ball launcher again (it didn’t break the TV so he smashes it by whacking the launcher at it). Nikki Blonsky is up next (from the film, Hairspray - I think she’s the only one from the film who hasn’t been on the show promoting it - until now). Dave and Nikki share their thoughts on ice cream (she used to work in an ice cream shop) and they talk about the film. Grinderman round off the show with a stonking musical treat.

Tuesday’s guests were Paul Rudd, Tony Dungy (American football coach) and musical group, The National. Dave talks about his camp for “Young Hollywood” - and how he could solve all their problems. He has a “sorry” card for Lindsay Lohan (who got arrested for DUI) - it also works for other celebrities - as the name on the card is on a rotating wheel (Paris, Lindsay - and surprisingly, Regis). We then learn Starbucks are hiking up their prices again - their new slogan is apparantely “Very Expensive Coffee”. Old Turkey Buzzard makes another appearance - always good to hear that song. Dave’s not very happy with Bear Grylls (who was on the show recently) - as it came out in the news recently that he “allegedly” gets shipped off to a hotel room overnight and doesn’t spend the whole time in the wilderness for his survival show - Bear says all he can do is drink his own pee. The always entertaining George Bush is stumbling on his words again, then we see Dave promoting new resort, Crescent Springs Village - it really does look lovely. After the Top Ten List, Paul Rudd is the first guest out of the green room. Paul talks about his wife who likes him to wear a suit, his new films Knocked Up and The Ten, what he did when he was growing up, and his sense of fashion when he was younger. Alan Kalter is up next with his new segment - Alan Kalter’s Wacky World Of Sports - which Dave doesn’t approve of (Alan said he didn’t want to do it either). Tony Dungy is next up - he’s the coach of the Colts (who won the Superbowl) - the American football team Dave supports from Indiana. He talks about what it was like winning the Superbowl and some stuff - he brought the Superbowl trophy with him as well (it looks like Dave’s holding onto it for safe-keeping). The National ended the show with a great performance - and Dave came up to them at the end with the Superbowl trophy.

Wednesday’s guests were Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bob Sarlatte and country star Porter Wagoner. Dave starts off by giving someone in the audience a snowglobe (once they find a decent-looking one), then we touch on Lindsay Lohan’s arrest with a picture of her mugshot (AKA Nick Nolte’s mugshot). A clip of Jack Cafferty on CNN asking for the teleprompter to be changed was pretty hilarious - they’ve shown some clips of him doing similar things in the past - this is all live on CNN as well - heh. After a disturbing thought of Dick Cheney “toplesss”, we move on. A Day In The Life Of Lindsay Lohan is up next - which had some technical problems (the text wasn’t displaying properly on the slides). Now, Johnny Dark comes out to give Dave a ticket and forgets his lines - pretty funny - he walks off in shame. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the first guest this evening - they talk about “boogles” (bellybutton in Welsh), sport and a trick with a tablecloth she learnt for her new film (the one where you have to pull the tablecloth off the table without knocking anything over). She tries doing that on the show but it doesn’t work too well. Up next - some guy from the audience is called to come and meet Dave on stage (in true Price Is Right style) - Dave has no idea what it’s for so he sends him back to his seat. A troubling thought as we head for the ad break - Alan says the audience “is being exposed to trace amounts of asbestos”. Bob Sarlatte is next (his name is pronounced Sar-lot). He talks about his radio show amongst other things - including the songs that last the longest which they play on the radio if the host needs to use the bathroom. Porter Wagoner rounds off the show with some country music.

Thursday’s guests were Sharon Osbourne, comedian Brian Kiley and musical group Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Dave begins the show with some impressions of Regis, following someone’s comment in the audience earlier (Dave says all Regis does is drink coffee and chat). Someone’s uncovered something in an old painting of The Last Supper - apparantely they were eating at Red Lobster. A mention of Lindsay Lohan was up next - supposedely, Bush and Cheney got DUIs years ago and they turned out just fine… Some tourists are next - they’ve got lost and ended up in the theatre building (they’re looking for the crater) - Dave points them in the right direction. After Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, we have some kids who’ve written letters to Lindsay Lohan - one of who says she can be on Larry King like Paris. Midway through this segment, Johnny Dark comes out for another go at the segment he messed up last night - he writes Dave another ticket and this time remembers the punchline (”for exceeding the legal limit of hilariousness”). A special Top Ten List tonight - read out by players from the New York Mets. Now - onto the guests - first up is Sharon Osbourne. Sharon’s on the panel for America’s Got Talent (and, of course, she’s been on the panel for The X Factor over here in the UK). Sharon also talks about her husband Ozzy and Ozzfest. Sharon doesn’t seem to like young Hollywood very much - she says the likes of Britney and Lindsay need a “smack on the bum”. Dave revives an old segment especially for Sharon now - Is This Anything. Dave says it’s similar to America’s Got Talent. They all agree the act’s “nothing” and we carry on with the show. Brian Kiley had some comedy for us next - his standup routine was pretty funny (especially the bit where he says no one wanted to go and see Justin Timberlake with him). Yeah Yeah Yeahs end the show with some intriguing music.

Friday’s guests were the lovely Anne Hathaway, comedian Jim Gaffigan and musical group Buffalo Tom. Some discussion of Bear Grylls to start the show this evening and how he has “allegedely” been faking his survival show by “ordering cheese omelettes” in hotels. Dave’s getting too big to fit in his trousers and says one of his organs might burst. A short NASA segment next, then Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, and (as it’s Friday) it’s time for Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun Facts! Anne Hathaway is the first guest tonight - she looked lovely. She’s in a new film called Becoming Jane, which she says she hated filming. The film was made in Ireland - so she said she got a lot of drinking done, so it wasn’t all bad. An interesting thing she saw recently - a naked marathon - she cheered them on. Some advertising by Alan during the commercial break - apparantely Bear Grylls likes to stay in a Sheraton hotel when he’s making his TV series. Dave comments on how lovely Anne Hathaway looked (and smelt), then Jim Gaffigan comes out and discusses how he loves Waffle Houses (even though they could do with a bit of a clean) and how he also enjoys Hot Pockets (which now contain “real” deli meat - Jim points out that begs the question what were they using in them before?). Jim’s got a show on TBS in the US called “My Boys”. Buffalo Tom end the show with some top music. That’s all for this week.

All the guest listings for upcoming shows can be found at www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings and podcasts are coming soon at www.lateshowuk.com/podcasts. If you get a couple of minutes and want some video clips of Dave, we now have a YouTube channel at www.youtube.com/lateshowuk with some links to our favourite clips from the show.

Monday’s guests were Michel Lauziere, Michelle Pfeiffer and Jonah Hill. Excellent show to start the week off - Dave is on top form. Still very hot in NYC according to Dave - “Lindsay Lohan checked herself out of rehab and into a Dairy Queen”. Dave’s very excited - tonight we have a “Master Of The Unusual” - Michel Lauziere (of which Dave has problems pronouncing). Dave says - he’s not sure - but he thinks the “Master Of The Unusual” qualification is a two year course. His trick? Well, tonight he’s on rollerskates out on 53rd Street, with two wooden poles and lots and lots of wine bottles. The aim? The play the tune of a song while going along on the rollerskates in the middle of the two rows of bottles. Very impressive - and it sounded great. Well done. Also Scooter Libby (AKA Gerard Mulligan) made an appearance to do a little Q And A - regarding his recent court case against him. Gerard put in his usual hilarious routine, chugged a beer, hit some imaginary bowling balls and his standard “I thought that question was for you” when Dave asked him how he responds to people saying he’s an egomaniac who belongs behind bars.

Dave has an interesting Maury Povich story - involving Amanda upstairs in the office. He phones upstairs, speaks to Stephanie who passes the phone onto Amanda (Dave can never remember her name or how long anyone’s been working there). Amanda says she got tickets to Maury (it only took her 10 years to get tickets - I think she applied for them when she was in school) and Mr Povich had asked her to go out to get him some cigarettes during the taping of the show (”You got 20 dollars?”). Needless to say, Amanda didn’t get Maury his cigarettes and told him to get them himself. What really sealed the deal was Maury calling her Peggy. Of course, Amanda says it took her ten years to get tickets as Maury is a very popular show. Michelle Pfeiffer was up after Michel Lauziere - to promote Hairspray (John Travolta is on Wednesday’s show - and Queen Latifah was on last week). Michelle says she’s enjoyed having five years off, but her kids wanted her to go back to work - so she did. Jonah Hill was the final guest of the night - promoting his film, Superbad. Jonah isn’t the type you’d associate with waxing salons, but his friend runs one and he found himself in the waiting room. He said he teased a woman one time who came in there - he said to her “This place his good” which surprised her. Jonah says his friend had a dream involving Jonah and Paul Shaffer - which ended in them having sex. Paul looked shocked.

Tuesday’s guests were Adam Sandler, Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg (from Mike And Mike on ESPN) and musical guests, Mute Math. In tonight’s monologue, Dave spills the beans on the new Harry Potter film - “Harry defeats the evil wizard with a secret potion from Barry Bonds”. Dave - being the good guy he is - arranged a barbeque for the staffers. He says it was ruined - we cut to a clip of a NYC taxi cab mowing down the BBQ tables out on the sidewalk. Looks like the cabbie could do with some more driving lessons. Alan has something to tell us - and nothing unusual about that. But, what is it? Well, Donald Trump has a new office chair out - again, nothing unusual yet. Alan has one with him and whips off the sheet to reveal a plain black chair - hmm, all looks pretty normal to me…? Alan isn’t too pleased to say the least - those stagehands didn’t stick the fake Donald Trump-esque hair on it - d’oh. Alan walks out disappointed and frustrated. That’s enough of that ugliness - let’s move on (at least he’s not “making us all sick” tonight). Another Apple computers advert tonight with Gerard and Chris. Chris Elliott mimics someone who looks like (for legal reasons - heh), David Hasselhoff - AKA The Hoff. Chris eats some food off the floor and rolls around looking drunk.

Now, here’s a surprise for tonight’s big show - who should turn up after all the conspiracy theories? Who did we think had gone forever? Who? Who? Well, Rupert Jee! Yes, Rupert is back and took part in an hilarious “What’s On The iPod?” segment (Rupert picks a woman from the crowd - no surprise there). Excellent - we’ve all missed Rupert - glad he’s back. Hopefully he’s going to be making regular appearances again - he needs to make up a batch of deli platters. The Top Ten looked at Dave’s often-publicised “erotic blog”. Adam Sandler was the first guest out this evening. It’s the first time Adam has ever been on the Late Show - other than when he hosted it when Dave was ill a few months back. Dave thanked him for filling in - which was nice - and Dave said he would return the favour to him if Adam was taken ill in Vegas or somewhere. Adam said he went back to his old family home recently, and had a look around - only to find someone else called Adam now in his old room. He said he was a bit cheeky and Adam had enough - “Well do you make $25 million a movie?” Mike and Mike from ESPN were up next to talk about the Yankees, the Jets and all things sport. Mute Math gave us a booming performance to end the broadcast this evening.

Wednesday’s guests were John Travolta, Paula Abdul and Teddy Thompson. Tonight’s the night when Dave’s obsession (remember “Wildfire”?) with the “Old Turkey Buzzard” song started (it played when he threw one of his cards through the window). Osama bin Laden had a new video - “Death to America”, etc, etc. The show was interrupted tonight for a CBS Special News Report - of which there was none so they return to the programme “already in progress”. Another Apple commercial from Gerard Mulligan and Chris Elliott tonight - this time Gerard gets taken away by the Feds for his illegal music downloads. Is OJ in prison? Chris thinks he is - heh. Dave didn’t want to sing on the new “Spelling Bee” segment. Alan got bitten by a spider in his “Adopt-a-Pet” segment, looked stunned and made an abrupt exit - he should be okay - we hope. Dave’s mom does the Top Ten list live from Dave’s home in Indiana - she reveals her son can still be a disappointment and a success at the same time - interesting.

John Travolta was first out of the green room tonight (promoting the new film, Hairspray). He talked about his dancing with Sean Connery, amongst other things. Also, the usual embarrassing clips surface - this time with John Travolta in a really old commercial. Alan has a quick Mojito in the commercial break. Paula Abdul was out next. The big question being was she “gooned on the juice”? The answer was no. She blames Simon Cowell (hey, why not?). Teddy Thompson rounded off the big show with an fantastic musical number.

Thursday’s guests were Mark doing a stunt outside (it stopped raining just in time), Kevin James, Spanish chef Jose Andres and musical group, White Rabbits. Dave took a while to get out on stage tonight - I wonder what the hold-up was? Anyways, on with the show. Dave talks about yesterday’s burst steam pipe -