Quotes

Quotes

Things said by Dave and Late Show staffers on the show:

“The Kentucky Derby is exciting isn’t it? For me – the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex. It’s over in two minutes and it costs me a hundred bucks”
“Did you hear about the big sex scandal in Washington D.C.? Politicians were visiting prostitutes. Apparently one girl was paid with a new dam in her home state”
“Regis Philbin went back to work today on his own show. Regis Philbin, after his triple bypass surgery, is a changed man. As a matter of fact, I watched his nurse change him backstage”
“It’s the allergy season. It’s so bad here in New York City that the crack dealers have started to sell antihistamines”
“Regis is doing great. He’s in tremendous shape. And I was thinking about it: this is not the first major surgery Regis has had. Are you aware of this? Remember seven years ago, he had Kathie Lee removed.”
“Our next guest wrote, co-wrote and wrote it again”
“If I could do that, everyone could kiss my ass”
“Why is it so many of our top celebrities are in prison?”
“Hot and miserable here in New York City today. It was 93 and unbearable. Just like Regis”
“They’ve updated the Seven Wonders of the World. Here’s the real wonder of the world. How I’ve managed to stay on television for 30 years”
“How about that – Paul and the Paulettes”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty”
“Heimlich your monkey”
“We’re using the ‘A’ material tonight”
“Hi, I’m Alan Kalter – TV’s Uncle Jerry”
“Pace yourself, ladies and gentlemen”
“That’s the big show”
“I feel bilious – full of bile”
“That’s enough Alan – you’re making us all sick”
“Our announcer Alan Kalter came up to me the other day – I have asked him not to do that”
“I hope they’re not neglecting their studies”
“I’ll handle the jokes”
“And down the stretch they come”
“There’s not a man, woman, or child alive today who doesn’t enjoy a lovely beverage”
“Turn out the lights and call the cops”
“Wake the kids and call the neighbours”
“Thank you, thank you, and thank you again”
“Safety first”
“I wouldn’t give their troubles to a monkey on a rock”
“How’s the go-going?”
“Snarky”
“Will you be there when the big door swings open?”
“We’ve got a big show for you tonight”
“We’ll see you at the big Will It Float party”
“Hiya, girls”
“Safety first – David ‘Dave Safety First Letterman’ Letterman”
“For the love of God, please don’t try this at home”
“I had no idea this thing was televised – boy, is my face red?”
“Don’t clap that much – you haven’t seen the show yet”
“We’re not giving away cars here”
“There is no off position on the genius switch”
“Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines”
“The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings – some jokes just write themselves”
“USA Today has come out with a survey – three out of every four people make up 75% of the population”
“Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing”
“Not a match? The board goes back”
“Big beef dinner”
“I can hear people turning over to watch Leno now”
“Dave – ‘Poker?’ Vicki – ‘You sick bastard'”
“Hey everybody, look – say hello to our little friend, Vicki – Hi Vicki”
“In Hollywood, Oscar is king”
“You know, they don’t give these shows to chimps”
“If it weren’t for Johnny Carson, I’d have no career”
“We used to be at NBC until they fired us”
“Time on the roundup – six past the hour”
“It’s the Paul Shaffer ‘Melody Makers'”
“Now that he’s got his helmet off, let’s really let him have it”
“I’m all jacked up on coffee, cheap speed and doughnuts”
“Hang on to your wigs and keys”
“The biggest waste of a Broadway theatre”
“What?!”
“I did not know that”
“I was not aware of that”
“Hi… Don’t get up”
“But that’s not why you called”
“Is it the real stuff, or can you cook with it?”
“There he is… get him!”
“Goodnight everybody!”
“North Korean President Kim Jong-Il and his brother, Mentally-Il”
“Now playing in selected cities – I just pray to God your city has been selected”
“In my pants!”
“Admit it – You’re just here for the air conditioning”
“Boy have we got a show for you tonight – And I’m not lying this time”
“How’s bid’ness?”
“Are you getting it done, my friend?”
“You couldn’t have got out of your car for a coke?”
“We’re the only thing on CBS right now”
“Hello. I’m David Letterman and I’m not wearing any pants”
“I did not know that”
“I was not aware of that”
“Is that so?”
“I don’t care what you say, there isn’t a man, woman, or child on the face of the earth, who doesn’t enjoy a lovely beverage”
“I’m not blowing my own horn – although I would if I could”
“Everyone has a purpose in life – Perhaps yours is watching television?”
“You know what that means – he’s drinking again”
“And ladies – he’s single!”
“Set your TIVO!”
“I’m on steroids right now – it helps me talk more”
“I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet – but if I could, I would”
“George W. Bush passed the ‘physical’ – no word yet on the ‘mental'”
“Sterilise your pan!”
“I’ve been sleepwalking through this show every night for years”
“You can tell it’s fall in New York – the rats are growing their winter fur”
“Hahahaha – variety meats, Dave!”
“Sealed in a majonnaise jar on Funk & Wagner’s porch”
“How about it for those shaftones?”
“I did not know that!”
“I was not aware of that!”
“You win a big beef dinner!”
“Back to you, Dave”
“Oh no, you didn’t!”
“Back to you / thank you, D-Train”
“Back to you / thank you, DL”
“Hi, I’m child star Alan Kalter”
“From New York – The Greatest City in the World”
“Hi, Mr Carney”
“How’s the go-going”
“That’s whack, dawg”
“You sick bastard”
“Livin’ the dream, Dave… Livin’ the freakin’ dream”
“Quiet, pork chop”
“You know him, you love him, you can’t live without him – His hygiene is impeccable”