Late Show UK

Monday’s guests were actress Jodie Foster and musicians Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova. “Anybody see the MTV Awards? Did anyone see Britney Spears? They said she appeared sluggish, glassy-eyed . . . sounds to me like somebody could use another hour in rehab”. Dave was on Oprah’s CBS show earlier today - “Earlier today I was on the “Oprah Winfrey Show.” It was her annual “Least Favorite Thing” show”. We start off tonight’s show - and the week - with a look at the newly-released iPods. Dave has one of them with him - the new ones are edible (and tasty) apparently. Dave eats his iPod and all is well. Then we move onto a look at the new chilling Osama Bin Laden video that emerged recently - the presentation was sponsored by Just For Martyrs beard colourings. Dave mentions his appearance on Oprah earlier and shows us the trailer they’ve been playing all day on CBS to promote this special appearance - “she attempts an Impossible Makeover” - accompanied by a picture of Dave. Up next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches with George Bush making an idiot of himself as usual. Now time for some advice for those returning to school this week - Dave asks various members of the Late Show staff for some useful advice for the home viewers. Here we find out Dave (the cameraman) has been “learning” French with his sexy tutor, Letterman’s advice is not to worry too much about grades (then he shows us some examples - Britney, the President and Dave himself - oops), Rupert in the Hello Deli recommends everyone starts the day with a good hearty breakfast or a breakfast shake (Rupert drank it and it looked disgusting) - and the other highlights included George Clarke reliving every person’s worst nightmare which (of course) is going to school without getting dressed, Sue Hum saying she had no idea what being a good student is because she is working on this show, and Biff saying how “creepy” Dave looks. Up next was the Top Ten list - which tonight was Top Ten Britney Spears Excuses - for her truly appalling appearance on MTV the other night. The first guest out tonight is Jodie Foster. She talked about the travelling she’s been doing this year and her new film. Dave also shows an embarrassing clip of her on some TV show as a kid. After the interview, we cut to Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview and - yes you’ve guessed it - he has Jodie Foster booked as well. Alan wasn’t best pleased - “You pull this **** again sister and you’re out of the business” - the best bit of the piece was Alan saying Dave’s lips must be “chapped from kissing her ass” - heh. Dave then says some more about his Oprah appearance - he couldn’t think of anything to say when on her show - so he tells us an anecdote now that he wishes he’d have remembered on Oprah earlier (something about Harry telling Dave to park in a car park space that wasn’t a space and a cop then coming up to him to say he couldn’t park there, with Dave saying “Well somebody told me I could”). Up next was Mark Twain Tonight (which was a repeat from last week - I think a guest must have pulled out or something - because they used this as a filler). Still pretty funny the second time around though. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova close the show with a great performance of their new song.

Tuesday’s guests were “that bonehead” Dr Phil, comedian Andy Kindler and music from Suzanne Vega. The opening to tonight’s show was hilarious (before the titles) - it started with Dr Phil talking about Dave and saying “people with psychotic behavioural tendencies can’t be controlled” - then it cuts out to Dave sitting next to him. “It was so wet today, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock were fighting over an umbrella”. First up tonight, we look at the new co-host on The View - we cut to the ladies bickering about something - “The View - please make it stop”. Next we find out what Donald Rumsfeld has been up to since resigning last year - he married his long term partner Goldie Hawn - well I never! We also find out he’s been making his own line of handbags - Paul says he used to run his own handbag range but stopped, and they were “Red Carpet Ready”. Then we cut to a short piece about Britney’s MTV performance the other night - saying only Dave can get away with being drunk. Next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, then onto a segment called Psychic Sandwich. Not sure if this segment has been done before - I know they have had Deborah Lynn on before for something psychic, but not sure if it was for Psychic Sandwich. Alan (or “Howie Mandel” - which made me laugh) tells us what the sandwich is and what we’re playing for. Unfortunately Deborah guesses incorrectly but nobody’s a loser on Psychic Sandwich - she gets the Hello Deli deli platter of course. The first guest tonight is “quack” Dr Phil, who talks about his show (it’s starting a new season), Dave’s past drinking days, what he got up to over the summer (including a hole-in-one in golf - which meant he had to buy everyone a drink) and what’s wrong with Young Hollywood (why does Britney never wear underwear?). The second guest tonight is comedian Andy Kindler who discusses the Emmy Awards, how he needs the repeat fee money from some awards show (no one else is asking for it, he says), a funeral he went to recently with an over-enthusiastic minister (”you can do better than that”), what he’s seen at the cinema recently (Delta Force is unwatchable, he says) and his new TV show. He also tells us an amusing story about being asked to perform at a friend’s house for free to make connections - he says its the only business you’d be asked to do that - you wouldn’t get that with a plumber - “you’ll be working for free, but you’ll get good contacts”. So true. Music from Suzanne Vega brings tonight’s show to a close.

Wednesday’s guests were actor Viggo Mortensen, tattoo artist Kat Von D and music from Daughtry. “Happy Rosh Hashana. It’s the Jewish New Year — and the year is 5768. It’s funny — I’m still writing 5767 on my cheques”. We start the show with Dave giving a mention to a newlywed couple in the Late Show audience tonight - it’s becoming a regular occurrence - someone gets married then comes to see Dave straight after. Then - in honour of Kat Von D on the show tonight - Dave shows us his new tattoo of Larry King - it looks lovely. And Dave says her show is appointment TV and says the Late Show is disappointment TV. Heh. Paul says he would get a tattoo of the word Kevin Federline - but it would be of high risk of infection - hmm! Then we have a short piece about Mitt Romney being burgled (they stole his hair gel), then it was Great Moments In Presidential Speeches, and the Top Ten list - featuring the Top 12 (yes that’s right - it’s the first ever Top 12 list!) NASCAR racing drivers. The first guest tonight is actor Viggo Mortensen who discusses his new film (Dave says he wants a part in a film - he loves westerns), his previous job where he used to run one of those food cart stands on the sidewalk (at a less-than-adequate location it seems), his tattoo, an old TV show he used to do which used to mention the place name quite a bit (”San Marcos) and Dave shows us a clip of it which was pretty funny. The next guest out is tattoo artist Kat Von D. She talks about the immense amount of tattoos she has over her body (leading Dave to prod around) - most of her tattoos are amazing - really detailed - real works of art. She also discusses her new show - all about tattoos of course. A music performance from Daughtry end the show.

Thursday’s guests were Martha Stewart, Fred Willard and music from M.I.A. “How about this Chinese lead paint on toys? The have finally agreed to ban the use of lead paint on toys. However, they will continue to use it on sweet and sour chicken”. To begin with Dave reminds us Martha’s past (Dave always says she killed a guy and used to live in a hollow tree). Next we see the first fight on The View with the new co-hosts - it looks like someone should call the cops. Russia has announced they have a new powerful bomb - the slogan “Russia - Don’t mess with us” appears - they compare the power of the bomb to that of Britney’s MTV performance a few nights ago - heh. Then we have a short piece about senator Larry Craig (remember, he got caught in a bathroom incident?) - I won’t repeat what the segment contains but I think you can all guess (”thrusting in and driving insurgents out”). Apparently TV is going downhill and the Late Show has a clip of the recent findings - they say some people think TV goes downhill at around 11:30 (which is when the Late Show airs in the US) - they cut to a clip of Dave. “I heard that - I’m sitting right here”. Up next is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches where we learn George Bush is a “meat man”. Dave then brings out a new football he has - complete with fitted camera (most of the audience didn’t understand the joke - neither did I actually). Then it was the Top Ten list read out by Billy Bob Thornton. The first guest tonight is Martha Stewart - who’s on to do a cooking segment. Needless to say, Martha ruined all of Dave’s prop jokes where she says some items have red dots on them, which she was told not to use as those are Dave’s props - these included the oil bottle and garlic - oops! The illusion has been ruined. Mark Twain Tonight was up after Martha’s segment which was amusing. Up next was comedian Fred Willard, who talked about an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, an appearance at Yankee Stadium, his joke about a blind prostitute (”you really have to hand it to her”) and his new TV show. Music from M.I.A. closed the big show tonight - I really enjoyed that performance - very catchy.

Friday’s guests were Regis Philbin (from the “Regis Lee and Kelly Lee programme”) and music from hip-hop artist Chamillionaire. “According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can”. “Later in Central Park, I saw a nut gathering squirrels”. Dave tells us about a new incident in Taco Bell where they found a snake in the food apparently. Dave says their burrito was rattling. It turns out though, the snake was thrown through the drive-thru window - bizarre! Cue card “boy” Tony Mendez does some strange things to show his annoyance at Dave when he reads something off the cards wrong - Dave re-enacts Tony’s reaction. Then a piece about Fred Thompson running for President - “Look at the size of this guy’s head” - heh. Now, they have revived one of those Mac vs. PC commercials with Gerard Mulligan and Chris Elliott (remember those segments?). Then Dave announces the new Verizon deal allowing people to watch the Late Show (complete episodes) on their mobile phone - “making television smaller and harder to see”. Dave reacts particularly to the “impossible to see the hideous detail in Dave’s creepy old zombie face” statement. Needless to say he’s not impressed. Next up is Great Moments In Presidential Speeches (George Bush doesn’t know his left and right again - he exits the wrong way off the stage). And it’s Friday which means Fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun-fun facts! Then the Top Ten list, featuring the number one sign you’re not going to win an Emmy - which was “Your name is Regis”. Dare say Regis will have something to say about that when he comes out for the interview. Speaking of which, Regis is the first guest out tonight. Regis talks about the Top Ten mention and his 20 years on the “Regis Lee and Kelly Lee programme”. This reminds me of a joke Dave did when Regis came out of his surgery - something about him not including the years he spent with Kathy Lee (and having her “removed”). Regis also mentions Dave’s appearance on Oprah the other day and how much Dave was sucking up to her - heh. Oh, and how Dave told Oprah that Regis was older than he actually is. Regis is also still worried there’s something wrong with his heart as he gets chest tightness when exercising - Dave says he’ll be fine and that it’s probably just down to the fact he’s had his chest ripped apart - reassuring thoughts for sure! The interview closes with an old TV show clip with a young Regis on the Joey Bishop Show - in a food fight. Chamillionaire gave a stonking performance - I didn’t think I’d enjoy this - but I did. That’s all for this week.

17th to 21st September is reruns - Next show back is on the 24th September.

For previous Late Show Roundups check out www.lateshowuk.com/late-show-weekly-roundups and to see the guests on upcoming shows please go to www.lateshowuk.com/guest-listings.

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